Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I can't do this anymore.

I'm not strong enough.  I justI tried..I really did.  I tried to do evil in good's name.  Tried to at least take down some of the bad with the not so bad.  I wanted to do it, really.

I guess deep down I still wanted to be a good guy, maybe even the much lauded (Hero)...heh...seems so silly to worry about titles, and perception now.

Everything came to a head over these last few days.  I was at a park, making my way through it, back to the Midwest, and well..

Not going into detail, but I was panicky and I took two lives.  Lives of people I have no idea were good or bad.  They were in the wrong place, and the

extremely wrong time.  I thought I'd buy myself just enough time to get back to finish this madness.

And then as I was going through the light woods, careful to avoid heavily root filled areas, I came across an unusual sight.  I stumbled across a deer, I guess a buck, since its antlers had started to grow a little.  It froze in place, as deer tend to do when sensing a predator.  I quietly observed it for a few moments.

The thing let out a most painful noise as it charged towards me, head down.  The woods were filled with a dreadful CRACK as it butted the tree next to me as hard as it could.  I staggered away, looking at this bizarre scene unfold.  It scrambled back up to its feet after the recoil, then slammed itself into the tree again, CRACK, CRACK.  Blood started to leave a trail down its neck from its incessant urge of self destruction.  Woozy, disoriented it kept up the damage, making strange shrieking noises as it continued. 

It lowered its head down to the roots, turning its neck as it staggered around, occasionally pawing at the tree, striking it with its powerful hooves.  I could only watch in horror as it managed to hook its small antler underneath a root, then as it twisted its head around, using the root as an anchor.

A soft crunch was heard, and then the deer lay still.


Something drove this deer..this animal to...suicide?  I left the scene, disgusted by the display, but everpresent in my mind.  As I left the light woods, I paused to look over blogger, and messages.

Kay was complaining that I stole something of hers.

I don't remember this, and frankly was a little insulted, but since this was not the first time she's called me a thief, I irritatedly emptied my backpack, dumping my ...collection, as well as my sole change of clothes, a modicum of food and a thud.

The thud was of particular interest, so I examined what may have caused that sound.  I cleared the mud off of the piece, to find a solid black sculpture of an elephant.  I certainly don't remember pocketing it.  I certainly didn't buy it.

And then the light shone through it for a moment, as the sun started to set.  I caught an odd sense of color, that I strained to detect.  I am pretty certain

it was green.

Some of you might recall I suggested jade a many months ago, as perhaps either a purifier or a way to collect corruption.  And this black elephant was in my possession.

I laid against a tree as my mind reeled.  After a long night of soul searching, I realize exactly how bad I have become. 

My inability to see color except under the most intense scrutiny.

I couldn't see Robert, who lauded that he had 'cloaked' himself from evil's sight.

Animals scattered before me.

A cellar of rats somehow managed to break their backs in my presence.

And I was doing sick maiming in the name of good.

I know it comes as no shock to you guys, that I've been deluding myself.  I finally came to that realization today.

I'm a monster.

Perhaps I was too proud to admit I was tricked by some avatar of our nemesis, or perhaps I just needed t

oh, of course.  Heh, I must've known at least once

The last refuge of a dangerous man

heh heh  of course

the last refuge of any dangerous man


so maybe part of me knew after all. 

I don't know where to go from here though.  but I swear to you here and now, I will never take another person's life again.

I'm already damned, no hope of salvation, but maybe I can at least do less evil.

I threw Kay's statue towards the sun, screaming as I tried to purge my false personality, the zerosage, the remnant.

sorry Kay

and when the sky opened up, and rain poured down.  I threw down my sword in a meadow.

And then I paused.

I was almost pulled back to it, as if beckoning me to finish my task, properly.
and I grasped the blade again.

Felt good, felt stronger.

and then I thought of her

and I planted that blade into the mud as deep as I could.

and walked away.

I still feel wrong, weak, tainted, but maybe now I finally can do what I've wanted to do

some good before I die

maybe someday the color will return to my world, but I'm not counting on it

lost in my grief, my failures, I let something take advantage of me, playing with my guilt over her death, over my inability to end

christ i was so arrogant.

So yes, the sword is gone, not too sure about the mask, but I'll probably lose it too soon.

and for once, for once

one of you who never gave up on me may smile sadly today

i think i'm ready

to talk to you



  1. Glad you woke up, Zero.

    Hope you find what you're looking for, now that you know what you should be looking for.

  2. I'm not sure what to say to this.

    I'm sad you did what you did.

    But I'm glad that you stopped.

  3. My GOD you are a fuck up. Oh well. I suppose it was only a matter of time before you came to your senses. But now that you have decided NOT to unwittingly do Father's bidding, nothing is stopping us from sending you to meet all those lovely people you killed. And you'll never kill again? You are ASKING to die aren't you. Do you think that everyone will forgive you? After what you have done? You are a traitor. A traitor to your friends, a traitor you your enemies, and a traitor to your ideals, your morality. There will be no forgiveness.
    But... After all the lovely things you did to help us, I think you deserve a last little bit of happiness... So. We'll send you to meet your worthless whore Amelia. I wonder if she'll forgive you. HAHAHA. Doubtful.

  4. you're right on all but one count, Morningstar. I'm not expecting to be forgiven by anyone

  5. Plenty of people never gave up on you, not inwardly.

    What are you going to do with those bones, then? Seems to me it's rather...wasteful.

  6. Well, I'm glad you finally realized you were being a sick fuck.

    Glad you're quitting the whole serial killing thing, too.

  7. Yeah, what ARE you gonna do with all them bones?

  8. i think for now, they stay. I need to be reminded of what happens when someone loses their humanity...

  9. Not completely useless then. Good.

  10. I think Zero should build a sculpture out of the bones. He can call it "Truth." For whatever could more accurately reflect human nature?


  11. ...

    For my part, I can say that I'm proud of you, Zero. I've watched you sway back and forth on this, realizing the truth, or at least part of it, only to bury it again. But you did realize it. And this time you decided to stay awake, to accept what's happened.

    That is excellent, excellent progress.

    What you need to understand now is that no one is lost forever. Not the people you killed, and not you either. It may very well be that there is no making up for the lives you took. But that never means you shouldn't try to put yourself back on the right path. I honestly think you can do a lot of good with your life, if you'd give yourself the chance.

    So what happens now? Do you know where to go from here?

  12. I'm not sure. I know I need to turn myself in at some point, but...I feel like I should try to pay my karmic debt before I go off to prison, or more likely death row.

  13. Zero... to be honest, it was thinking that you needed to fulfill something - a destiny or a debt, it doesn't matter - that got you into this mess. If you are to do something to make it up to those people, it has to be because you want to, not because you feel like you ought to.

  14. heh, maybe you're right, well, I'm taking it a day at a time for now. I'll decide what I want to do when I get home.

    Worst part I think is that, sure I'll be going to prison, but they won't know why...that'll bug me worse than anything right now.

    Maybe I should find a way to talk to Amelia's relatives, maybe tell them what happened.

  15. That is the worse part, isn't it? Having to be careful who you tell, who you talk to. Praying you don't accidentally get others involved. If you want to find their families, tell them the truth, but be careful how much of the truth.

    I don't know about the legalities of all this (although I do know who you could ask), but insanity might be a reasonable defense. If nothing else, it could give you a cover under which to tell them your story. They might not believe you, but... they'd know.

  16. That said, be careful going home. It's been a while, you don't know what you might find.

    Take care.

  17. The Mad Ventriloquist has to disagree with Morningstar. There can be forgiveness. Eventually. There will be a lot of stern staring first. But turning away from darkness is harder than never being there. Much easier to run around bumping into trees.

    The Mad Ventriloquist is glad to see that Zero realizes what he's done. He hopes to talk to him more. Zero seems like a good man, underneath everything.

  18. Insanity is rarely used as a defense, and it works even less. Even if he did win the case, he'd be locked up in a mental institution.

    That's not a good place for someone being stalked by the Slender Man to be.

    I'd avoid telling her relatives, if I were you, Zero. It might not end too well.

  19. A man doesn't go to all that work just to give up. Especially not a desperate one. What are you planning, Zero?

  20. heh, I really doubt things will end well for me no matter what.

    As for what I am 'planning'. Nothing I think. I'm not sure what to do, except maybe find a way to see the colors of the world again...

  21. From experience, taint is removed best under cold running water. If nothing else, you'll FEEL cleaner, and it's a start.

  22. I'm glad you're back. I can only imagine the hell you're in. You ruined so many lives. I don't believe I can forgive you. But at least you woke up from the madness. At least that's a start.

    And Ryuu is right. Cold running water solves a lot.

  23. I'm not asking for forgiveness, Donovan.

  24. You're back, then. For real.

    I might be new to this, but I read your last blog and I felt like I really admired you. Then this shit happened and to be honest, I felt like this little community had lost one of its best chances to win.

    Good luck, Zero.

  25. 'back' is relative, Konaa. It's not like I can flip a switch and undo what's been happening, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, at least.