Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ships bound in different directions

Been trying to take it easy the last few days, in terms of strain.  Trying to get used to a life that doesn't exist anymore.  A life before...well, you know the story by now.

I feel better and worse at the same time now.  I mean I no longer have to dread what I've been...well, shit...compulsed to do, and yet now there's no sort of buffer between me and what's steadfast behind me.  The deaths...fuck, let's call it what they were.  The murders buy ....bought me time.  So now I'm trying to outrun something that always knows where I am, and in true horror film fashion, can barely be outrun despite how slow it moves.

I don't even see anything for god’s sake.  Just a sense of darkness before my world goes black.

Hakurei, you said once this could've been psychological.  Well fuck me if it is, because it's still here, and it’s still pissed.

So despite my mind being pieced back together, and despite my tossing aside my sword, I had a bit of a run in some of you may've read by now.   So I got the shit kicked out of me again, and had a half-crazed man wave a gun in my face.  I was a bit surprised that I was scared at all.  Figured it was going to simply be one of those, "Go ahead and kill me, I don't fear death." type deals.

Not so much.  I may not've been ballsy, and spit in his face, but I put up a good front.  Truth be told, I realized that this isn't how I wanted to die.

Got too much shit to do, to die.  Gotta figure out who I need to be now, what I have to do to make things a little better, if not right.

Which brings me to something I found on my phone from a few weeks ago.  I think you all might have an interest in it.  Now I know that the way I transcript stuff sort of sucks, but hell, I don't know a better way of doing it.

Guess it looks stupid, now that I look back.  Oh well.

Unknown>>> ...hello?

Me>>> Reach

Reach>>> Um, yes, this is he.

Me>>> Reach...

Reach>>> That's my name, don't wear it out. Who the hell is this?

Me>>>   Is it true...Is it true, Reach...that you're not, not his?

Reach>>> Yes, I broke free from him. The wound by which he hooked me was healed. Who is this?

Me>>> Don’t lie to me could you escape him,  I  (noise)  I can't see anyone free from him

Reach>>> I'm not lying. He needs an anchor. There's something he needs to manipulate to keep his hold on you. Mine was guilt but I got over that guilt. He couldn't control me after that.

Me>>> You mean...Amelia?

Reach>>> Wait.  Zero?

Me>>> I...I don't like killing people reach, I'm scared and I can't stop...

Reach>>> Why can't you stop?

Me>>> I think, I think I'm being forced to.

Me>>> God help me Reach.

Reach>>> Zero...blood stains. Killing isn't going to help...whatever it is that's forcing you. It will only make things worse. Only water purifies. Or some shit, fuck, I only just woke up.

Me>>> I have to stop it reach, stop the tree, the Bleeding Tree, Reach.  It's part of him

Me>>> I don’t know anymore.

Reach>>>Zero...are you sure it's real? He tricked you into killing Amelia. Maybe he's tricking you again, like he tricked me.

Me>>> No, I didn't....I didn't KILL HER, REACH!

Me>>> Reach, Do you believe in redemption?

Reach>>> Of course. Everyone can be redeemed. The first step is believing you need redemption. The second step is believing you deserve redemption. The third step is believing you can achieve redemption. And the fourth achieving it. Somehow.

Me>>>, oh fuck no.

Reach>>> Zero...what's wrong?

Me>>> It’s here already, too soon

Reach>>> Zero, talk to me, what's wrong?


So I guess there's something I've realized now.

I've been a chicken shit coward all this time.

I've felt that I could stop my own personal grim quest before, and I did nothing about it, because I was too damn scared.

Killed some innocent people, because I was afraid for my own safety.  I knew, I fucking KNEW that I could at least TRY to stop it all.

So what's next for a miserable son of a bitch who has still failed at every damn thing in his fucking life?

Hell if I know.

Rest in Peace, Reach


  1. Oh cry me a river. As I recall Reach spent quite a bit of time looking for redemption. And, remind me, how did that work out again....?

    And really, what is "redemption"? Nothing more than a way to make your past actions, acted under a certain set of principles, seem irrelevant to a new set of principles. I could very well "redeem" myself for initially running from Master by going out and slaughtering a bunch of Runners myself.

    In the Grand Game, "morality" is meaningless.


  2. Steward, you've got some periwinkle showing, might want to wipe your face

  3. Oh thank you for telling me! I never would have noticed. You know how it gets, skipping through meadows, stopping to smell from flowers, generally enjoying life.

    Oh, did I say "enjoying life"? I beg your pardon. Forgot I was talking to Mr. Woe-Is-Me.


  4. You seem to be talking rather mightily for someone who murdered his entire family, Joey.

  5. For all our sakes, I hope we can be forgiven.

  6. Mr. Glassdick:


    It was a simple act of mercy. Why can NO ONE UNDERSTAND!?

  7. Aaaand bullseye. Right on the nerve. Nope, no we can't.

  8. Actually, I *can* understand mercy kills.

    Poor Slice. I wonder what life would've been like if I took him with me, and we made things right?

    Hmmm, that would've been nice, I think.

  9. Hmm...

    This thing, this shadow thing. Ever since you came back, I've been trying to get a nail on WHAT exactly it is, but... well, needless to say, it's difficult. I keep feeling like I'm missing something...

    Is there any more information you can provide about it? Why it's after you, how it behaves, why killing seemed to slow it down? I can maybe figure out whether it's psychological or not, but if it's not... then it's time to talk to Nick. He'd know more about how to stop it, I think.

  10. I can really only equate it to a deadly 'timer' for the task I was given. Sort of like those inevitable megaman stages where you had to stay ahead of the wall of spikes.

    Heh, damn I miss capcom games.

  11. So all it is is a really bad feeling you have? Not a physical thing chasing you?

  12. Ooh, I remember those levels. And then some bastard cannon things would shoot balls at you.

    Eh... It's gonna be a long night.

  13. @Ryuu its intangible really more than anything, no more visible than a ghost. It moves, it creeps, I can't ever see it, but I can feel when it gets close, a vague sense of direction. Sort of like...I don't know, a shroud that wants to ensnare me.

  14. Whatcha mean didn't kill her, eh? Ah, fuck it. I'm not going to try and understand all the twisted timelines and fucked-up realities...might as well make the best of them, though.

  15. Have you ever tried to... just shove it away with your will? It sounds a lot like the feeling I used to get as a child when I had to walk across a dark room. Granted, THAT was definitely imaginary, but the same principle might work for you too.

  16. Ugh, scotophobia. Took me way too long to get over that.

  17. @Killjay - I a bit of denial back then. I understand now what I did.

  18. Hm... I had assumed your "shadow" to be connected to PRE11 "Bleeding Tree". Now I am not so sure. You are certain you can give no more details regarding it?

  19. The great thing about those stages: Get around the cannons and make it to the door, and then it's time for the boss fight. After that, you're free as a bird.

    If you've got to fight a shadow, you've got two choices. 1: Turn a light on it. 2: Turn out the lights. You can't have a shadow at night.

    As it is, I suggest the light. Most shadow creatures, even when they're more than just symbolic, don't deal with daylight or even florescent light very well at all.

    So you've figured things out. That's good Zero, that's good. Doesn't mean I'm not going to kick your ass when we meet. It does mean that maybe you get to do the right thing, and might not end up in a maximum security cell for the rest of your life. Good luck, I think.

  20. The Mad Ventriloquist thinks Reach was very wise.

    The second step is very important. The Ventriloquist is hearing a lot of negative things from Zero now that he's woken up. He was a coward. He's failed at everything. He isn't ready to die.

    Wait.. that last part's good.

    What The Mad Ventriloquist means, is does Zero believe that he is worthy of redemption? It makes sense if he doesn't. But he should know that even now, people believe in him.

  21. I think you have a lot of things to atone for. I also think that you are capable of it if you put even half the energy into it that you did for your killing spree. I still say you and I should talk.

  22. You and I are the only living people that have seen it aren't we? As far as we know anyone else that might have seen it is dead. Therefore I think we have a duty to try and stop it. Preferably in a way that doesn't require you slipping back into psychosis.