Do any of you readers remember, back a year or so ago? Before this shit all started. Before we ran for our lives, or hid, or actively sought out danger.
I've been thinking today about how...stonecold weary I am of everything that's happened lately. My hands nearly give out, thinking of the mental strain, the anguish I've had to endure. I'm sure some of you have had it as bad...if not worse.
But I can't stop. It is like a compulsion, one to move forward, and bear the weight that keeps piling atop me, from whatever it is that is right behind my back. I just
I just can't tell.
So I'm heading a bit southwest now, on foot when I need to, and other means if they present themselves. Things just seem so strange, being in another part of the country. I can't even I can't see the sun, I think. Is it this...aura, this thing that has latched onto me that keeps me from rejoicing with the coming of the dawn?
I'm just so tired, I would weep if I could, half the time I can barely even pick up my sword, not that I have had need to the last few days. The last person I confronted, I wasn't sure who he was, he could've been mad, could've been evil, but I couldn't take that chance. I didn't 'see' him, you know? The bad ones, I can see them, even as the world turns to grey and ash around me anymore.
goddammit, I can't do this. I can't live like this. I can't tell if I'm good or evil half the...fuck...I just...fuck!
Things keep changing. People that are seen as...well, as I guess the same way the sages were seen...the notable ones are so different.
Fucking Reach...claims to have been saved. I
I suppose I believe him. I remember him, when he was a punk, sniping at me in my blog. I'm sure you guys don't know anything about that. But does that mean there is salvation for everyone if this is true? Even the ones that I've hurt? Does that mean that even I am not too far gone?
Work of angels, a work of mercy, performed sullenly, and without bravado...
And then one of you started talking about the Astral Plane, and I remember all that I went through, feeling it was my duty to confront him there. With no success.
Never any success on my part.
I..I couldn't even see him, even if he was there, I still can't, not since he took Amelia from me...from us. I can only think that it was that..that thing Greenlight told me about, that I could transfer her pain unto me, and I did. The sole thing I've done that might be considered 'supernatural', for all the good it did poor Melody. What even was the point of my work, if I COULDNT SAVE ANYONE?
I keep thinking about that time, how I vomited, how I fell ill, how I nearly died, and how those government people kept questioning me.
So can I not see him again because that 'transfer' wore off? Would I need to do it again? Is it possible he was there, at that night, and I couldn't see him?
Would I need more blood to fight my monster? Is that why the tree bleeds?
the bleeding tree, for two days now I've seen it naught.
This shit is just so surreal. People talking about surfing other dimensions, and monsters. Here i'm doing this horrible, morbid work to save people. Others are getting progressively worse, as well.
Fuck, this has to end. It
It has to end, godDAMMIT
I can't even tell why I am doing things, but I just have to believe that maybe if this gets done, either he'll die or I will. Right now, I just don't care who.
just fucking kill me already, let me die. I've done such rotten horrid things, let me die already, monster in the dark. get this nightmare over with.
But I know, even if I do die, I'll suffer in torment. He's eating our souls, and we will never be at peace.