Messenger's Report

I’m here to announce the death of Timothy “Zero” Holiday.  Time of death: June 21, 2010, aprox. 3:30 pm.  Location: approximately 15 miles west of Indianapolis.  Cause of death: unknown, but believed to be evisceration.

There were a couple Agents in the area tracking him when he went into a forest.  They went in after him when he didn’t come out.  They found a huge, dead tree (the surviving Agent says that they should have noticed a tree like that towering over the rest of the forest).  Zero was hanging on one of the branches.  One of the two got closer to make sure that it was, in fact Zero, and that he was, in fact, dead.  He managed to yell back that the ripped-open abdomen was pretty conclusive and that a bone in his forearm was missing before…well, we’re not sure what exactly happened, since his partner is extremely unstable and unwilling to talk about it at this time, refusing to say more about it than “the fucking tree got him.”

The surviving agent also managed to grab a backpack belonging to Zero from near the tree, as well as the smartphone he posted from.  The mask was also at the base of the tree, but the Agent who didn’t survive had that.  They were unable to track down the sword and jade elephant he had discarded earlier, and, strangely enough, all the bones had vanished.  Not a trace of them anywhere.  All that’s left of Zero is a backpack and a phone…and not even that anymore, as the backpack has been burned and the phone smashed.  The sword and the elephant are still out there, though.  Good luck to anyone who thinks they can find them, I guess.

That’s the report.  I’ll admit that it was a bit hard to remain professional for this one.  If you want to see my personal thoughts on the matter, you can go to my own site, but I’m not putting them on here, just out of respect for the blog.

Show’s over, people.  Nothing to see.  Move along.

-Don’t Shoot The Messenger-

gguhhjk

hehhh

dud it\

one morse bone 

hehhhhg

somuch bklood

numb

bklood

but igoty it

hahaha

fujk

up agansyt it noaw

onje moer bonse

minew

duieee

diieee

kill

kill

hhhehh

ill win

this

monseter

fainrt

somucgh blood

aet least   wuill

wuill die

winner

hehhh

icamn see ut

its movihng

uipsetr

hahahhaa

heh

an emptry breanch

i

nver seent it wiyth oine empoty

wondr why it woul

its time

i'm here  finally   on the right day   in the right place

back where shit went south the first time

pardon any typos i have   you see im outside of town

in a forest  about 60 feet away from it


i had to let you know

fuck

im covered in mud  fucking rain all over the place the last few days
and its there  really there again  just as i knew itd be


ive thought about what you guys have said

that maybe it wanted me to do this   probably
but dammit i have to take a chance that i can kill this fucking thing
weaken it at least
weaken the monster

so i came here  with the bones
no fancy tool made from them   no chair  no crossbow  no golem

sorry to disappoint

i put black tape on my mask, covering them up a bit more, allowing only a small bit of vision
so i could avoid the eyes

cant let it get me again
never

fuck

i had to crawl up to it    kept pushing me down
to the roots

they touch you   you get all numb there
and weak
was wearing gloves   it helped

i crawled up to its base
blood pulsing from beneath the bark
a body in each branch

amelia
slice
i dunno the others names


ill bury them when this is done
i can at least do that
before i turn myself in

wait

why is slice up there

slice

howd he get up there

body on each damn limb of it
still fresh
even hers

i dont get

i just
fuck

i crouched down beside it
and i reached up
and jammed that bone right in its fucking eye

kelley

nothing

again

porify  or whatever the fuck his name is

slice

rika

not sure

the eye dimmed maybe
cant tell
have to blind it
have to kill it

other eye

the two i dont know

adam

amelia


its still here
fucking alive

fuck
why do i have to fail
why cant i ever

i have to
find a way
i just
fuck

no cant accept it
gotta find a way
cant stop me
has to die
have to die

heh

just
forget about me
forget
please

just a failure


no hero

here
but damn
maybe i can

heh heh ehhh

oh

thats it


fuck

heheh

hahahahaaaaa

right
of course

hold on

ill explain soon

Everything you ever...

It seems some people have welcomed me back into the fold already, others are rightfully upset, still I am surprised by the mostly heartfelt showing of sympathy and support.

You know, aside from you asses that are calling me 'Emo'.

I've just been walking for the last few days, slowly, trying to recover my bearings, its a nice change of pace, since I've had no real events struck me since my last encounter with Glass Man.   I've taken this time to think about oddities of life, of morality, and spirituality.  I've tried to appreciate the things I've lost during these last few months.  Simple things like  color.

Sort of funny to think how quickly a person can be tolerated if not forgiven.  I remember seeing this months ago, back during the previous blog.

You know, the one I wrote when I was all eager to die for a cause, and did my best to subtly martyr myself?

Anyway, back then, we had a few proxy cases that went around.  Pretty much you would see binary code spewing from someone's mouth like it was digital Tourette's (which does not work that way).  So we had people sort of shift sides, back and forth.

Like Nessa.

A sweet girl who got into a mess, and destroyed a lot of hope when shit got real.  Sounds familiar?

However I digress.  I'm talking about atoning, at least in a spiritual if not religious sense..  I'll leave that religious stuff to people who know a damn thing about anything.

I am of the personal belief that sincerity and conviction are key to really, honestly being forgiven for sin.  Such as in my case, I've got 9 bones that show exactly how much sin I need to absolve before I die.   Sure some of them are from evil people, but still murder was committed in each case, whether deserving of it, (Rika, Porify, Jekyll),  done in mercy, (Slice, Kelley), in desperation, (two unknown people, and someone named Adam), or in a complete accident.  (You know her name).

By my guesstimate, I think I owe the world a karmic re balancing of about... 285 years of helping others in all ways possible. 

This means I'm going to end up dying, still many, many years in debt to pay the balance of lives lost in madness.

I think a morally strong, character filled man might silently nod, determined to fulfill his duty.


and I'm just not strong enough to accept that


The idea of dying as a failure,
a fraud, and a sick raving murderer, it's disgusts me


I can't do it.  I just can't.

I couldn't even carry around the guilt of what

Nowadays I see how that drove me to desperation, denial.

And being a person short on time, and short of willpower, I think I really have only two shots at considering myself redeemed in my own eyes.

Considering my luck the last time I strode off into a forest to kill our foe, I think it's best if I try the second option.

You know, the one that ended up mindfucking me into a shattered state of which I am still recovering.

I'm going back to the tree that caused this entire mess

And I've got to kill it.

I can't live knowing its out there.

I just


I think about the bodies

I have to prove that it doesn't control me anymore, that it has no power over me, that some good can come from evil, and that I can kill this fucking thing that follows my every goddman move




It won't make up for the entirety of what i've done, but it's going to be a start,

and who knows?  Maybe it'll give me the key to killing our true foe

One more thing, guys.

Maybe

If it does it again...

well, Glass and any of you others that have promised to end me...

you know what to do

...

An alert reader sent this link to me.  I..I wonder if maybe its perverting trees, that they end up like this.

I...have no idea right now.

Ships bound in different directions

Been trying to take it easy the last few days, in terms of strain.  Trying to get used to a life that doesn't exist anymore.  A life before...well, you know the story by now.

I feel better and worse at the same time now.  I mean I no longer have to dread what I've been...well, shit...compulsed to do, and yet now there's no sort of buffer between me and what's steadfast behind me.  The deaths...fuck, let's call it what they were.  The murders buy ....bought me time.  So now I'm trying to outrun something that always knows where I am, and in true horror film fashion, can barely be outrun despite how slow it moves.

I don't even see anything for god’s sake.  Just a sense of darkness before my world goes black.

Hakurei, you said once this could've been psychological.  Well fuck me if it is, because it's still here, and it’s still pissed.

So despite my mind being pieced back together, and despite my tossing aside my sword, I had a bit of a run in some of you may've read by now.   So I got the shit kicked out of me again, and had a half-crazed man wave a gun in my face.  I was a bit surprised that I was scared at all.  Figured it was going to simply be one of those, "Go ahead and kill me, I don't fear death." type deals.

Not so much.  I may not've been ballsy, and spit in his face, but I put up a good front.  Truth be told, I realized that this isn't how I wanted to die.

Got too much shit to do, to die.  Gotta figure out who I need to be now, what I have to do to make things a little better, if not right.

Which brings me to something I found on my phone from a few weeks ago.  I think you all might have an interest in it.  Now I know that the way I transcript stuff sort of sucks, but hell, I don't know a better way of doing it.

Guess it looks stupid, now that I look back.  Oh well.

Unknown>>> ...hello?

Me>>> Reach

Reach>>> Um, yes, this is he.

Me>>> Reach...

Reach>>> That's my name, don't wear it out. Who the hell is this?

Me>>>   Is it true...Is it true, Reach...that you're not, not his?

Reach>>> Yes, I broke free from him. The wound by which he hooked me was healed. Who is this?

Me>>> Don’t lie to me Reach....how...how could you escape him,  I  (noise)  I can't see anyone free from him

Reach>>> I'm not lying. He needs an anchor. There's something he needs to manipulate to keep his hold on you. Mine was guilt but I got over that guilt. He couldn't control me after that.

Me>>> You mean...Amelia?

Reach>>> Wait.  Zero?

Me>>> I...I don't like killing people reach, I'm scared and I can't stop...

Reach>>> Why can't you stop?

Me>>> I think, I think I'm being forced to.

Me>>> God help me Reach.

Reach>>> Zero...blood stains. Killing isn't going to help...whatever it is that's forcing you. It will only make things worse. Only water purifies. Or some shit, fuck, I only just woke up.



Me>>> I have to stop it reach, stop the tree, the Bleeding Tree, Reach.  It's part of him

Me>>> I don’t know anymore.

Reach>>>Zero...are you sure it's real? He tricked you into killing Amelia. Maybe he's tricking you again, like he tricked me.

Me>>> No, I didn't....I didn't KILL HER, REACH!

Me>>> Reach, Do you believe in redemption?

Reach>>> Of course. Everyone can be redeemed. The first step is believing you need redemption. The second step is believing you deserve redemption. The third step is believing you can achieve redemption. And the fourth step...is achieving it. Somehow.

Me>>> what....no, oh fuck no.

Reach>>> Zero...what's wrong?

Me>>> It’s here already, too soon

Reach>>> Zero, talk to me, what's wrong?

*click*

So I guess there's something I've realized now.

I've been a chicken shit coward all this time.

I've felt that I could stop my own personal grim quest before, and I did nothing about it, because I was too damn scared.

Killed some innocent people, because I was afraid for my own safety.  I knew, I fucking KNEW that I could at least TRY to stop it all.

So what's next for a miserable son of a bitch who has still failed at every damn thing in his fucking life?

Hell if I know.



Rest in Peace, Reach

Mirror

I can't do this anymore.

I'm not strong enough.  I justI tried..I really did.  I tried to do evil in good's name.  Tried to at least take down some of the bad with the not so bad.  I wanted to do it, really.

I guess deep down I still wanted to be a good guy, maybe even the much lauded (Hero)...heh...seems so silly to worry about titles, and perception now.

Everything came to a head over these last few days.  I was at a park, making my way through it, back to the Midwest, and well..

Not going into detail, but I was panicky and I took two lives.  Lives of people I have no idea were good or bad.  They were in the wrong place, and the

extremely wrong time.  I thought I'd buy myself just enough time to get back to finish this madness.

And then as I was going through the light woods, careful to avoid heavily root filled areas, I came across an unusual sight.  I stumbled across a deer, I guess a buck, since its antlers had started to grow a little.  It froze in place, as deer tend to do when sensing a predator.  I quietly observed it for a few moments.

The thing let out a most painful noise as it charged towards me, head down.  The woods were filled with a dreadful CRACK as it butted the tree next to me as hard as it could.  I staggered away, looking at this bizarre scene unfold.  It scrambled back up to its feet after the recoil, then slammed itself into the tree again, CRACK, CRACK.  Blood started to leave a trail down its neck from its incessant urge of self destruction.  Woozy, disoriented it kept up the damage, making strange shrieking noises as it continued. 

It lowered its head down to the roots, turning its neck as it staggered around, occasionally pawing at the tree, striking it with its powerful hooves.  I could only watch in horror as it managed to hook its small antler underneath a root, then as it twisted its head around, using the root as an anchor.

snap
A soft crunch was heard, and then the deer lay still.

Something

Something drove this deer..this animal to...suicide?  I left the scene, disgusted by the display, but everpresent in my mind.  As I left the light woods, I paused to look over blogger, and messages.

Kay was complaining that I stole something of hers.

I don't remember this, and frankly was a little insulted, but since this was not the first time she's called me a thief, I irritatedly emptied my backpack, dumping my ...collection, as well as my sole change of clothes, a modicum of food and a thud.

The thud was of particular interest, so I examined what may have caused that sound.  I cleared the mud off of the piece, to find a solid black sculpture of an elephant.  I certainly don't remember pocketing it.  I certainly didn't buy it.

And then the light shone through it for a moment, as the sun started to set.  I caught an odd sense of color, that I strained to detect.  I am pretty certain

it was green.

Some of you might recall I suggested jade a many months ago, as perhaps either a purifier or a way to collect corruption.  And this black elephant was in my possession.

I laid against a tree as my mind reeled.  After a long night of soul searching, I realize exactly how bad I have become. 

My inability to see color except under the most intense scrutiny.

I couldn't see Robert, who lauded that he had 'cloaked' himself from evil's sight.

Animals scattered before me.

A cellar of rats somehow managed to break their backs in my presence.

And I was doing sick maiming in the name of good.


I know it comes as no shock to you guys, that I've been deluding myself.  I finally came to that realization today.

I'm a monster.

Perhaps I was too proud to admit I was tricked by some avatar of our nemesis, or perhaps I just needed t

oh, of course.  Heh, I must've known at least once

The last refuge of a dangerous man

heh heh  of course

the last refuge of any dangerous man




denial.

so maybe part of me knew after all. 


I don't know where to go from here though.  but I swear to you here and now, I will never take another person's life again.

I'm already damned, no hope of salvation, but maybe I can at least do less evil.

I threw Kay's statue towards the sun, screaming as I tried to purge my false personality, the zerosage, the remnant.

sorry Kay

and when the sky opened up, and rain poured down.  I threw down my sword in a meadow.

And then I paused.


I was almost pulled back to it, as if beckoning me to finish my task, properly.
and I grasped the blade again.

Felt good, felt stronger.

and then I thought of her

and I planted that blade into the mud as deep as I could.

and walked away.

I still feel wrong, weak, tainted, but maybe now I finally can do what I've wanted to do

some good before I die

maybe someday the color will return to my world, but I'm not counting on it

lost in my grief, my failures, I let something take advantage of me, playing with my guilt over her death, over my inability to end

christ i was so arrogant.


So yes, the sword is gone, not too sure about the mask, but I'll probably lose it too soon.

and for once, for once

one of you who never gave up on me may smile sadly today

i think i'm ready


to talk to you

Hakurei