Mirror

I can't do this anymore.

I'm not strong enough.  I justI tried..I really did.  I tried to do evil in good's name.  Tried to at least take down some of the bad with the not so bad.  I wanted to do it, really.

I guess deep down I still wanted to be a good guy, maybe even the much lauded (Hero)...heh...seems so silly to worry about titles, and perception now.

Everything came to a head over these last few days.  I was at a park, making my way through it, back to the Midwest, and well..

Not going into detail, but I was panicky and I took two lives.  Lives of people I have no idea were good or bad.  They were in the wrong place, and the

extremely wrong time.  I thought I'd buy myself just enough time to get back to finish this madness.

And then as I was going through the light woods, careful to avoid heavily root filled areas, I came across an unusual sight.  I stumbled across a deer, I guess a buck, since its antlers had started to grow a little.  It froze in place, as deer tend to do when sensing a predator.  I quietly observed it for a few moments.

The thing let out a most painful noise as it charged towards me, head down.  The woods were filled with a dreadful CRACK as it butted the tree next to me as hard as it could.  I staggered away, looking at this bizarre scene unfold.  It scrambled back up to its feet after the recoil, then slammed itself into the tree again, CRACK, CRACK.  Blood started to leave a trail down its neck from its incessant urge of self destruction.  Woozy, disoriented it kept up the damage, making strange shrieking noises as it continued. 

It lowered its head down to the roots, turning its neck as it staggered around, occasionally pawing at the tree, striking it with its powerful hooves.  I could only watch in horror as it managed to hook its small antler underneath a root, then as it twisted its head around, using the root as an anchor.

snap
A soft crunch was heard, and then the deer lay still.

Something

Something drove this deer..this animal to...suicide?  I left the scene, disgusted by the display, but everpresent in my mind.  As I left the light woods, I paused to look over blogger, and messages.

Kay was complaining that I stole something of hers.

I don't remember this, and frankly was a little insulted, but since this was not the first time she's called me a thief, I irritatedly emptied my backpack, dumping my ...collection, as well as my sole change of clothes, a modicum of food and a thud.

The thud was of particular interest, so I examined what may have caused that sound.  I cleared the mud off of the piece, to find a solid black sculpture of an elephant.  I certainly don't remember pocketing it.  I certainly didn't buy it.

And then the light shone through it for a moment, as the sun started to set.  I caught an odd sense of color, that I strained to detect.  I am pretty certain

it was green.

Some of you might recall I suggested jade a many months ago, as perhaps either a purifier or a way to collect corruption.  And this black elephant was in my possession.

I laid against a tree as my mind reeled.  After a long night of soul searching, I realize exactly how bad I have become. 

My inability to see color except under the most intense scrutiny.

I couldn't see Robert, who lauded that he had 'cloaked' himself from evil's sight.

Animals scattered before me.

A cellar of rats somehow managed to break their backs in my presence.

And I was doing sick maiming in the name of good.


I know it comes as no shock to you guys, that I've been deluding myself.  I finally came to that realization today.

I'm a monster.

Perhaps I was too proud to admit I was tricked by some avatar of our nemesis, or perhaps I just needed t

oh, of course.  Heh, I must've known at least once

The last refuge of a dangerous man

heh heh  of course

the last refuge of any dangerous man




denial.

so maybe part of me knew after all. 


I don't know where to go from here though.  but I swear to you here and now, I will never take another person's life again.

I'm already damned, no hope of salvation, but maybe I can at least do less evil.

I threw Kay's statue towards the sun, screaming as I tried to purge my false personality, the zerosage, the remnant.

sorry Kay

and when the sky opened up, and rain poured down.  I threw down my sword in a meadow.

And then I paused.


I was almost pulled back to it, as if beckoning me to finish my task, properly.
and I grasped the blade again.

Felt good, felt stronger.

and then I thought of her

and I planted that blade into the mud as deep as I could.

and walked away.

I still feel wrong, weak, tainted, but maybe now I finally can do what I've wanted to do

some good before I die

maybe someday the color will return to my world, but I'm not counting on it

lost in my grief, my failures, I let something take advantage of me, playing with my guilt over her death, over my inability to end

christ i was so arrogant.


So yes, the sword is gone, not too sure about the mask, but I'll probably lose it too soon.

and for once, for once

one of you who never gave up on me may smile sadly today

i think i'm ready


to talk to you

Hakurei