Everything you ever...

It seems some people have welcomed me back into the fold already, others are rightfully upset, still I am surprised by the mostly heartfelt showing of sympathy and support.

You know, aside from you asses that are calling me 'Emo'.

I've just been walking for the last few days, slowly, trying to recover my bearings, its a nice change of pace, since I've had no real events struck me since my last encounter with Glass Man.   I've taken this time to think about oddities of life, of morality, and spirituality.  I've tried to appreciate the things I've lost during these last few months.  Simple things like  color.

Sort of funny to think how quickly a person can be tolerated if not forgiven.  I remember seeing this months ago, back during the previous blog.

You know, the one I wrote when I was all eager to die for a cause, and did my best to subtly martyr myself?

Anyway, back then, we had a few proxy cases that went around.  Pretty much you would see binary code spewing from someone's mouth like it was digital Tourette's (which does not work that way).  So we had people sort of shift sides, back and forth.

Like Nessa.

A sweet girl who got into a mess, and destroyed a lot of hope when shit got real.  Sounds familiar?

However I digress.  I'm talking about atoning, at least in a spiritual if not religious sense..  I'll leave that religious stuff to people who know a damn thing about anything.

I am of the personal belief that sincerity and conviction are key to really, honestly being forgiven for sin.  Such as in my case, I've got 9 bones that show exactly how much sin I need to absolve before I die.   Sure some of them are from evil people, but still murder was committed in each case, whether deserving of it, (Rika, Porify, Jekyll),  done in mercy, (Slice, Kelley), in desperation, (two unknown people, and someone named Adam), or in a complete accident.  (You know her name).

By my guesstimate, I think I owe the world a karmic re balancing of about... 285 years of helping others in all ways possible. 

This means I'm going to end up dying, still many, many years in debt to pay the balance of lives lost in madness.

I think a morally strong, character filled man might silently nod, determined to fulfill his duty.


and I'm just not strong enough to accept that


The idea of dying as a failure,
a fraud, and a sick raving murderer, it's disgusts me


I can't do it.  I just can't.

I couldn't even carry around the guilt of what

Nowadays I see how that drove me to desperation, denial.

And being a person short on time, and short of willpower, I think I really have only two shots at considering myself redeemed in my own eyes.

Considering my luck the last time I strode off into a forest to kill our foe, I think it's best if I try the second option.

You know, the one that ended up mindfucking me into a shattered state of which I am still recovering.

I'm going back to the tree that caused this entire mess

And I've got to kill it.

I can't live knowing its out there.

I just


I think about the bodies

I have to prove that it doesn't control me anymore, that it has no power over me, that some good can come from evil, and that I can kill this fucking thing that follows my every goddman move




It won't make up for the entirety of what i've done, but it's going to be a start,

and who knows?  Maybe it'll give me the key to killing our true foe

One more thing, guys.

Maybe

If it does it again...

well, Glass and any of you others that have promised to end me...

you know what to do